42

we are always here waiting for someone

41

everything is going well, praying for an awesome thing to happen. if it's God's will, it would. ˆ-ˆ Listening do Damien Rice's all day long. It amazes me how well made his lyrics are and Amie is such a talented singer.

40

my keybord looks nasty, it fits with my mood.

39

we are losing it and we don't care.

38

complete and total adoration, my gift to you: my heart was yours

37

some things in life may change, some things stay the same. Amie and Damien Rice were right. they were always right about these life changing  feelings and loneliness. 

36

you probably get the title if you used to watch The O.C (LoL). well, this one was probably the saddest christmas ever to me, I wasn't excited at all... I even got all dressed up but after ten minutes I took my clothes off because there was no point on being dressed if I wasn't going anywhere or seeing anyone, I just watched television and all those christmas shows that they put on every year. It was quite sad but I did what I was wanting to do. Slept at 1AM, I got some sweet gifts tho... I ended up with R$250 in my wallet and an Azarro (from my grandma). And of course, my iMac (gift from my parents) *-*

Probably the best one you can get if you're such a macfag like I am. haha :) Anyway, I wish you [whoever is reading this] a Merry Christmas ˆ-ˆ

35

it's christmas eve, let's have some family time and wish the best to our beloved ones.

34

chucky: life is so hard, tommy. sometimes i think it's the hardest thing there is.

33

everyone says: - you just gotta let it go. and so it seems, I have been trying and accomplishing a lot of inner goals, hopefully it will all be worth it in the end and I will be a bigger and better person. The best part is that the whole changes are taking place sooner than I thought, which is lovely. Learning (slowly tho) how to be a happy loner.

32

and i ever do is wait for them to come back, wondering if they ever will. you sang: "i hope you have a coat to keep you warm". i didn't, my heart is freezing.

31

hachi just taught me a valuable lesson, not that I wasn't aware before but it's nice to see it on screen. the loved ones are special, no matter if you stop talking to them or if they move on and start living miles away from you. the heart knows no distance.

30

30 days anniversary of this blog. locked myself off today, it has been only me and my songs this morning. we all need a self knowledge time to appreciate our own inner beauty.

"I remember when my heart broke. I remember when I gave up loving you. My heart couldn't take no more of you, I was sad and lonely." 

29

"None of us went to church, so we had a lot of time to watch them, the two parents leached of color, like photographic negatives, and then the five glittering daughters in their homemade dresses, all lace and ruffle, bursting with their fructifying flesh."

28

I keep realizing how some people are just not what you thought they were, even when you live with them. Dear God, they are all turning me into this person that can barely trust other people. I got to the point where I can't even look at her face, what a spoiled little bitch!!

27

can't stop listening to bob dylan's Mr. Tambourine Man. been quite bored and need to keep it cool, not sure why I'm posting this, feeling that I'd probably end up not posting this blog as I first intended to (everyday posts filled with boring thoughts and moods, some how it seemed cool) :(  I just feel like I can't keep writing in english because I'm forgetting how to spell some words in portuguese whenever I try to write a post in my native language, that's why I created the other blog (here) so there is no chance my words get lost in translation and I will only post whenever I feel like doing it, so, they will all mean something to me even though I'm not sure I can keep up with blogs for a long time [i was never able to do that, i get easily bored by the url and layout]. That's it, today's entry was about nothing ._. quite frustrating.

26

I miss you more than I can bear. It feels like I have heartburn from eating too much spice…all the time…but I know it’s just heart ache from missing you. You may be miles away and the possibility of being together, parallel universes and light years apart…but I can’t stop thinking about you, about the times we spent together. Our time together was brief but perhaps it’s better that way; I remember every detail about the moments we spent together…remember verbatim the jokes you told me, the stories, everything. And I can’t help replaying these memories…on the train, in class, while I’m supposed to be studying. I can’t listen to Pandora anymore because every song is about love and every song reminds me of you.

extracted from lelove.

25

waking up two hours earlier isn't fun, specially when you realize your watch is showing the wrong numbers for your city. anyway, I had created a new blog, i really think i should stop doing it because once i create a new one I lost my interest in the others. Yesterday I watched this brazilian movie called The Famous and the Dead (which was my source of inspiration to create a new blog), you should all watch it, it's complicated and you can only get it if you understand what the main character feels like (which I did). Other than that, there's nothing  REALLY GOOD going on, my left ear is getting kind of death every time I wake up (it's happening now) and it's driving me crazy! I'm starting to get worried about it. ;(

24

I wish I had something to do.

23

went christmas shopping yesterday, bought lots of new tshirts (yay!) since i was running out of them. it was such a busy day but it was nice. There was no space in the parking lot so we left the car in a place we shouldn't and after 1.2 year I drove a car! It was pretty funny.

☺

Well, it's sunday so of course I'm not happy as hell but that's the magic of it, there's nothing else to do so I'd just spend the whole day on the internet and listening to Carissa's Wierd.

       

22

Dear Heart, you’re weird. First you gave love a chance, loving the wrong person for so long. You gave it all you had and let yourself open without thinking that you’ll ever get hurt and for two long years, you loved with all you had even though you knew that the other heart did not love you as much. You kept loving and loving, hoping that you & the other heart will meet half way. Then the time actually came … the time where you got hurt. Not just a short amount of hurt; you were hurt for half a year. For half a year … you were completely broken & shattered. So broken that everybody noticed it. You didn’t want to give love a chance again; never again. Why would you give love another chance when you have gone through so much bullshit and lies? One of my old friends once said to me “She ripped out your heart; stepped all over it, crushing it to pieces and then just left it there without even cleaning it up” and honestly; I’m very sorry. So so so so so sorry that I put you through so much hurt & pain. That is why I kept you locked up. I was never going to put you through more pain. So when this new guy came in my life, I kept you locked up even though you kept telling me to go for it while my head kept telling me “no” because I wanted to keep you protected. But you kept trying to come out and over power my mind. So after all the things you’ve been through you still wanted to open up to this new guy, which amazed me. She must be something special if you wanted to give love another try just for this one new girl. Then finally, you over-powered my mind. I listened to you rather then my head. I’m glad I did listen to you heart because I can honestly say that I am truly happy and I feel as if you are healed. You are so much better. You helped me turn from that bitter heart broken girl to this happy smiling girl. After that six months, you decided that you’ll give love another chance. Thank you because I have a good feeling about this guy. A very good feeling. Thank you for telling me to go for her. I’m so happy because even though I put you through so much pain, hurt, tears, bullshit, lies, and torture, you are still willing to give love another chance.

21

Woke up and wished that I was dead, with an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed. I thought of you and where you’d gone and let the world spin madly on. Everything that I said I’d do, like make the world brand new and take the time for you. I just got lost and slept right through the dawn and the world spins madly on. I let the day go by, I always say goodbye.

I watch the stars from my window sill the whole world is moving and I’m standing still, the night is here and the day is gone and the world spins madly on. I thought of you and where you’d gone

the weepies - world spins madly on.

20

I don’t want to chase you like everyone else I’ve had around just to be knocked back down. I want you to like me for me. And if that means you never will, and that I need to sit around and work on burying these feelings deep enough that I eventually forget about them and give up. I will. I guess I'd rather be alone than have you, whoever you are, here just so neither of us had to fall asleep alone at night. I just want real, true love. But one thing I learned from love and from craving it is, if you don't expect it from anyone then you'll never be disappointed.

19

The love you had for your ex isn’t the same as with someone new, each love is different. I think the love is just “inactive”; you can’t delete someone you truly loved. It’s almost like a facebook account, you can just inactivate your account, never delete it. If you want to and the time is right you can recreate it, but the pages have changed and so have you.

I really thought you were the love of my life. And perhaps in the future, we can be together again. So I inactivate you, try to bury my feelings for you. Because right know we're not right for each other.

forever yours.

18

"Closure" is just a term created by people so they can ask the same questions over and over hoping that someday they might get a different answer. I don't need any answers. I never really understood why you didn't want me anymore, and perhaps I never will, but that doesn't really matter. Because the fact is that you didn't want me anymore. And all I can do is accept that. And I do, I accept that. I'm not going to forget about you. That's not my goal here. My goal is to be able to look back on everything objectively and remember the things I learned about myself and the things I learned about people and life without feeling the pain that goes a long with these kinds of things.So finally, this is me moving on. This is me wishing you well in whatever you pursue. This is me wishing you joy and happiness. And to one day, perhaps, being friends.

17

I have the chance to be with someone good. Someone who is genuine and has the time and patience to deal with a person like me. Someone who I believe I can open up to, and not use whatever I say against me. I've realized that I need to learn to love the things that are good for me, and she might very well be one of those things. So in order to not fuck up this beautiful opportunity for happiness, I need to deal with us. Here I go...

I do not know why I feel attached to you. It's not like we were together very long. And it's not like we were even together. maybe it was the first night with you. Perhaps it was riding on a motorcycle for the first time. Or walking through the darkness to the waterfall. Or you scooping me up in your arms and that first kiss. Or maybe, just maybe, it was the fact that I did not feel afraid at all with you. You spent that whole night with me on my tiny uncomfortable couch, and in the weeks to come I would memorize the sound of you breathing. And when you talked in your sleep and it sounded like "I love you." which made me laugh. Mainly because I knew that's not what you said. It was probably just gibberish, but it made me wonder if perhaps I would want you to tell me those words in the future. I never thought that we would top that first date. And for a while we didn't come close. Until that night you showed up on my doorstep without warning because you knew my heart was breaking. And you sat with me outside and let me cry and didn't force me to talk because you knew I wasn't quite ready yet.

I think that was when I unconsciously gave you my heart. Because it wasn't about us, it was about me and my brokenness, it was about the well being of my soul and you cared about that. That's what made you different than the others. I tried to tell myself that you used me. Because I know how to deal with liars and pretenders and manipulators. Because I can cry and eat a pint of ice cream and say 'fuck girls' and then get over it. It's much harder to get over someone who at one point cared for me. And I'm not even sure if I know how but I'll do my best. I thought maybe that closure was the answer. But I don't even think this idea of closure even exists.

16

I'm writing you to tell you that I'm moving on. Which may or may not mean anything to you, but honestly that is beside the point. Writing this letter to you is more for my sake, and pretty much has less to do with you receiving it and more about me writing it. You see I am a true master at not dealing with things. I'm sure you could see that, I'm not fooling anyone so I'm not going to fool myself anymore. 

I push all the hurts and the scars and the less than lovely things into deep recesses in my mind to forget about. That is until something small and insignificant arises that reminds me of whatever it is tucked away into those neat little boxes in my mind turning me into a complete mess once again. I can never move forward because of this. You once said you wanted to see me fly. In order to do that I have to deal with all the shit that's weighing me down and keeping my feet from leaving the ground.

15

We haven't spoken in 2 months - maybe the longest we have gone since we first met each other 5 years ago. I always want to call you, to email you, to message you, but I often restrain myself. You are better off - in your new life on the other side of the world - and I am better off in mine. We don't need each other anymore. We weren't good friends to each other, we weren't good lovers to each other. We are better off apart.

Or, at least, that's what I keep telling myself. And, to be honest, I am sick of it. I am in love with you. Head over heels in love. You are the last thing I think about when I go to bed at night and the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. And while I'm sleeping? You're there too - in my dreams. I am petrified of telling you because I know there is no way that we can ever be together. You're gone - stuck in Europe - for the next two years.

I shouldn't love you. I should hate you. After all that you have done to me. Lied to me. Cheated on me. Betrayed me. You were never honest. You were the typical asshole. But, the first time you were honest with me, the time you told me that you had slept with someone else, was the time I realized I was in love with you. That was almost two years ago. I am sick and tired of keeping this secret. I am scared to tell this secret.

14

I have nothing relevant to say today, I'm devastated. I just feel like dying would be the easiest thing to do. This is not a suicidal note, don't get the wrong idea. But, why does every thing in my life become such a problem? Dear God, what have I done to you? :(

13

We might as well talk about things on the news, maybe the weather cos it's always true... we've got nothing left we can do. I will write you a letter and send it away, you left me sitting in the smoking lounge of an airport. Why do I turn into such a dumb wreck every time that you... I'll break your... whiskey and coffee... just fine talking about the way I will break your... heart.

 

12

It's 5am I haven't slept sleat all, just thoughts of how I might struggle through tomorrow. Too much time in one day, too much time to occupy with boring thoughts, boring moods, boring bedtimes. Won't tell a single soul that my soul's gone. It's hard to write this song, it's all a joke. It's all been wrote down by someone who's probably dead. I might be leaving soon.

Lyrics that seem to be written based on your lifetime. I've been getting into art lately, trying to not spend all my time online, posting lifeless tweets about reality, once again, sadness is easier... and I'm taking the hard way (from now on).

11

She was terrific to hold hands with. Most girls if you hold hands with them, their goddamn hand dies on you, or else they think they have to keep moving their hand all the time, as if they're afraid they'd bore you or something. Jane was different. We'd get into a goddamn movie or something, and right away we'd start holding hands, and we wouldn't quit till the movie was over. And without changing the position or making a big deal out of it. You never even worried, with Jane, wether your hand was sweaty or not. All you knew was, you were happy. You really were.

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D Salinger

10

She was terrific to hold hands with. Most girls if you hold hands with them, their goddamn hand dies on you, or else they think they have to keep moving their hand all the time, as if they were afraid they’d bore you or something. Jane was different. We’d get into a goddamn movie or something, and right away we’d start holding hands, and we wouldn’t quit till the movie was over. And without changing the position or making a big deal out of it. You never even worried, with Jane, whether your hand was sweaty or not. All you knew was, you were happy. You really were.

- The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

9

Had a dream about old friends, woke up a little bit sadder. expectations are killing me. I don't know what to do anymore, I want to get away to some place far, where no one knows my name and I can (re)start my life.

Pictures of people taking pictures, pictures of people sharing a (love)moment. I need to create new memories, why won't my heart let me do that?

8

Seal this envelope with a heart that's been beaten black, beaten blue, beaten all over again. Don't leave out a single thing, send it off with wings... an anectode to ease the pain that you feel every time that you smile at the mirror.

I won't need anymore memories for the next fifty years, I could still write you love songs. I won't need anymore photographs to remember the color of the clothes you wore that night. Hopefully this won't sound as bad as I'm sure that it is, all results will be lifeless and lead to an excuse, to never try again, to never try at all. Staring up at the ground because (oh) how we tried and (oh) how you lied, but how could that be true?

my heart is gone. my heart is gray.

7

It's like somehow the sadness always find it's way to my heart. I have this urge to put it on paper, to draw, to photograph, to write lyrics about it, desperately trying to find a way to put it out of me. I've been feeling numb for quite some time now and I have no idea what to do to keep my heart far from the achy.

"Telephones and postcards with misshaped hearts beside the names

I've read this letter for the hundredth time today

I've rearranged, analyzed the words

Tried to find something between the lines that wasn't there

At least now i can see through these worn out lines and torn up pages,

Don't know how i'll fall asleep tonight"

It's snowing in my heart and my bed is the only place where I can feel warm, my mind is tricky and I can't tell what's real and what's not, am I awake now? is this a dream? is there anyone missing me? why are people always so selfish? am I that selfish? too many questions, too little answers. it's time to get back to bed again, maybe I will fall asleep or maybe I will wake up from this sad dream I've been living. One way or another, sadness will be right there with me.

6

thanks giving was okay, loads of stuff going on at the same time. but unfortunately the day ended up with a sad feeling attached to it. (sadness is easier) later on, felt like deleting all my accounts around the internet because every one of them seems to be worthless, but i didn't, instead i'm doing a inner damage control (i guess you can call it that way), we didn't had grey's anatomy this week, which sucks because it's my favorite show besides dexter. i still don't get why some people can't feel good about themselves and start bitching around, they need to figure it out that calling someone fat doesn't make you skinner, calling someone stupid doesn't make you smarter and it goes on and on, it's an never-ending list. we should all mind our own business.

But now, there's a twist to our fairytale. When the good girl suddenly appears to be the bad one. You went to England for two weeks. Before you left you told me how much you would miss me, how much you loved me and my heart waited, longed for you, I bleed inside just for you, because it was pure agony just to be so far away from you. And then the princess cut the prince in two. Just because you didn't wanted me anymore. You never told me why. I know that you never will.

 

One text; "it's over" and it was. You never explained. You were too much of a coward to show me any respect and the worst part is that you knew the whole time the worst ways to break me, to break my already wounded heart. And that was to take away my integrity which you did by not showing me any respect, by treating me like I was a pile of dog-shit. I couldn't sleep or eat for days. Barely talked. All I kept thinking was; why? why? why? I trusted you. I did!

I did everything that I possibly could for you, only you. I ignored friends for you, I swallowed my deepest pride whenever you were grumpy and started to pout. I put up with you even when I really didn't want too, I listen to you when your parents almost got divorced, or when your mother fled to Finland or when you complained about getting a B in a stupid essay instead of a A.

5

When she texts me saying she really wants to see me, I light up inside. But moments are always fleeting. I just imagine her saying it to me because who she really wants to see doesn’t want to see her. He put her on the backburner and doesn’t need her right now. She needs me right now, because she can’t have him. I am a distraction. I make her feel warm inside, I soothe her pain, and when she’s around me she isn’t haunted and consumed by thoughts of him. I can briefly take away her pain, but moments are always fleeting. She can hurt me. Once she’s over him, she won’t need me. I’m dispensable and she’s broken. And this is the way our unfair world works.

She needs me. I want her. Everyone wants to be needed.

Everything she tells me: every thought, every dream, every feeling has already been told. The things she told him, he must have known everything about her. She knew him like the back of her hand. She loved him. She loves him. She needs me. Temporarily. I think of her, and can only think of him. I’m not him. Does she want me to be? Am I like him? Does she wish I were like him? Will she ever stop loving him?

I don’t know if I want her if I can’t have all of her. I know that’s a lie, of course I want her. I just don’t want to want her. When she looks away and is distant, is she thinking of him? I can’t see us together. Thinking of her, hearing her name, brings butterflies to my stomach, but it’s not right. I can’t see us together. It's as if the world was supposed to have her and him together. Like it was right. It is right. It’s just not the right time.

We connect though. We have chemistry we’re comfortable in each other. We have become all too comfortably numb. What happens if he wants her back? I already know the answer to that.

Maybe one day she’ll love me. Maybe one day she won’t want him; won’t want me to be him. Maybe one day she’ll think I’m truly beautiful and look at me the way I look at her every time I see her. But then again, maybe one day I’ll get over her. Maybe one day I can look at her and say, “You’re so not worth this” and actually believe it. Maybe one day I’ll be able to think about someone else.

4

It's a different type of love, and maybe we all need a break from the achey, sweet love that comes with romance, the kind that excludes the rest of the world, the kind that's limited only to you and him / her.

Friends never betray each other. We fight, sometimes. We disagree. We laugh at each other. But friends, friends are something else altogether. Friends are God's way of saying: here, I know it's tough trying to find your soulmate, but here are some other people you know for sure you can count on forever. They're like family, but better because they love you without the moral obligation attached.

My oldest friends (97% of them)  seem to be forgetting about me, I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with, I tend to disappear for long periods, scarcely logging in at social network's sites and instant messaging, I don't like talking on the phone and if someone really likes you it doesn't matter how long you've been absent or whatever you wanna call it, right?. Still, the ones I considered as the closest ones are showing me that I can be easily substituted, as a matter of fact, I have been already. It hurts but I just need to find my way to a new road, and forget about them. What(ever) doesn't kill you, can only makes you stronger.

3

It's not like I won't find someone new, you know.

We both know it's not exactly a question about lack of choice. It's only a matter of time before I stumble across that person who will somehow make my world magic again. Just by looking at me she'll put a hundred different feelings in my body and my head will go completely blank when she smiles. My heart will skip a beat from the slightest sound of my phone, and everything I do when she's not around will be colored by her absence.

I will meet someone who doesn't have that need of playing games and instead of following all kinds of rules, simply follows her heart. Someone who makes me wanna look past all the times I've been hurt and feel like it's actually worth risking everything again. Someone who makes me wanna fight my fears of opening up so I can let her in, because the thought of her not knowing me completely is far worse than my fear of rejection.

Shee will sigh at my stupid jokes and the way I tend to forget stuff and mess everything up, but deep down she'll love it because love's not about accepting each others flaws, it's about loving them because they make us who we are. I will find somebody for whom I am prepared to show not just the strong, independent side of me that the rest of the world know, but also the insecurities that make me wake up in the middle in the night crying because I'm sick of hurting.

She will not give me my confidence back or make me love myself again. I have no need for a fairytale princess who lifts me up on her castle and saves me. She will make me complete though, in a way no one has ever done before, and together we will get struck by love so hard that nothing will ever be the same again. You see, I know she's out there and I won't stop until I find her. Cause I deserve nothing less than to love someone who loves me back and this I know. So there's really no need for you to worry. She could be right around the corner when I walk out this door today.

The thing is,
With all my heart
I still wish she could have been you. 

2

after all this time, i usually get to think i got over you. i'm not saying that i won't get interested in other people because i will, i did. it's just never like the way it was with you. i don't hang out much and maybe that's the problem. i'm not an outgoing person, i'd rather stay in watching tv shows and reading books. they make me feel better for connecting to a story and forgetting about my own. guess what i'm trying to say is: - get away from my mind. i know that even if you tried it would be worthless since it's on me.

wake up. watch tv. study. read. listen to music. try not to think about you. think about you. watch tv. think about you. sleep.

i will watch all my dreams come true and none of them will be the one that i'm with you. it's 11:09 AM right now,  f.r.i.e.n.d.s is on and i should probably go watch it and not think about you 'til midday. then, i will go online and start the cycle all over again.

1

as often as we breathe, we fool ourselves. a random new person shows up and you go and make up a story that isn't real. you start living it because you can take the fact that you're alone.