11

She was terrific to hold hands with. Most girls if you hold hands with them, their goddamn hand dies on you, or else they think they have to keep moving their hand all the time, as if they're afraid they'd bore you or something. Jane was different. We'd get into a goddamn movie or something, and right away we'd start holding hands, and we wouldn't quit till the movie was over. And without changing the position or making a big deal out of it. You never even worried, with Jane, wether your hand was sweaty or not. All you knew was, you were happy. You really were.

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D Salinger

10

She was terrific to hold hands with. Most girls if you hold hands with them, their goddamn hand dies on you, or else they think they have to keep moving their hand all the time, as if they were afraid they’d bore you or something. Jane was different. We’d get into a goddamn movie or something, and right away we’d start holding hands, and we wouldn’t quit till the movie was over. And without changing the position or making a big deal out of it. You never even worried, with Jane, whether your hand was sweaty or not. All you knew was, you were happy. You really were.

- The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

9

Had a dream about old friends, woke up a little bit sadder. expectations are killing me. I don't know what to do anymore, I want to get away to some place far, where no one knows my name and I can (re)start my life.

Pictures of people taking pictures, pictures of people sharing a (love)moment. I need to create new memories, why won't my heart let me do that?

8

Seal this envelope with a heart that's been beaten black, beaten blue, beaten all over again. Don't leave out a single thing, send it off with wings... an anectode to ease the pain that you feel every time that you smile at the mirror.

I won't need anymore memories for the next fifty years, I could still write you love songs. I won't need anymore photographs to remember the color of the clothes you wore that night. Hopefully this won't sound as bad as I'm sure that it is, all results will be lifeless and lead to an excuse, to never try again, to never try at all. Staring up at the ground because (oh) how we tried and (oh) how you lied, but how could that be true?

my heart is gone. my heart is gray.

7

It's like somehow the sadness always find it's way to my heart. I have this urge to put it on paper, to draw, to photograph, to write lyrics about it, desperately trying to find a way to put it out of me. I've been feeling numb for quite some time now and I have no idea what to do to keep my heart far from the achy.

"Telephones and postcards with misshaped hearts beside the names

I've read this letter for the hundredth time today

I've rearranged, analyzed the words

Tried to find something between the lines that wasn't there

At least now i can see through these worn out lines and torn up pages,

Don't know how i'll fall asleep tonight"

It's snowing in my heart and my bed is the only place where I can feel warm, my mind is tricky and I can't tell what's real and what's not, am I awake now? is this a dream? is there anyone missing me? why are people always so selfish? am I that selfish? too many questions, too little answers. it's time to get back to bed again, maybe I will fall asleep or maybe I will wake up from this sad dream I've been living. One way or another, sadness will be right there with me.

6

thanks giving was okay, loads of stuff going on at the same time. but unfortunately the day ended up with a sad feeling attached to it. (sadness is easier) later on, felt like deleting all my accounts around the internet because every one of them seems to be worthless, but i didn't, instead i'm doing a inner damage control (i guess you can call it that way), we didn't had grey's anatomy this week, which sucks because it's my favorite show besides dexter. i still don't get why some people can't feel good about themselves and start bitching around, they need to figure it out that calling someone fat doesn't make you skinner, calling someone stupid doesn't make you smarter and it goes on and on, it's an never-ending list. we should all mind our own business.

But now, there's a twist to our fairytale. When the good girl suddenly appears to be the bad one. You went to England for two weeks. Before you left you told me how much you would miss me, how much you loved me and my heart waited, longed for you, I bleed inside just for you, because it was pure agony just to be so far away from you. And then the princess cut the prince in two. Just because you didn't wanted me anymore. You never told me why. I know that you never will.

 

One text; "it's over" and it was. You never explained. You were too much of a coward to show me any respect and the worst part is that you knew the whole time the worst ways to break me, to break my already wounded heart. And that was to take away my integrity which you did by not showing me any respect, by treating me like I was a pile of dog-shit. I couldn't sleep or eat for days. Barely talked. All I kept thinking was; why? why? why? I trusted you. I did!

I did everything that I possibly could for you, only you. I ignored friends for you, I swallowed my deepest pride whenever you were grumpy and started to pout. I put up with you even when I really didn't want too, I listen to you when your parents almost got divorced, or when your mother fled to Finland or when you complained about getting a B in a stupid essay instead of a A.

5

When she texts me saying she really wants to see me, I light up inside. But moments are always fleeting. I just imagine her saying it to me because who she really wants to see doesn’t want to see her. He put her on the backburner and doesn’t need her right now. She needs me right now, because she can’t have him. I am a distraction. I make her feel warm inside, I soothe her pain, and when she’s around me she isn’t haunted and consumed by thoughts of him. I can briefly take away her pain, but moments are always fleeting. She can hurt me. Once she’s over him, she won’t need me. I’m dispensable and she’s broken. And this is the way our unfair world works.

She needs me. I want her. Everyone wants to be needed.

Everything she tells me: every thought, every dream, every feeling has already been told. The things she told him, he must have known everything about her. She knew him like the back of her hand. She loved him. She loves him. She needs me. Temporarily. I think of her, and can only think of him. I’m not him. Does she want me to be? Am I like him? Does she wish I were like him? Will she ever stop loving him?

I don’t know if I want her if I can’t have all of her. I know that’s a lie, of course I want her. I just don’t want to want her. When she looks away and is distant, is she thinking of him? I can’t see us together. Thinking of her, hearing her name, brings butterflies to my stomach, but it’s not right. I can’t see us together. It's as if the world was supposed to have her and him together. Like it was right. It is right. It’s just not the right time.

We connect though. We have chemistry we’re comfortable in each other. We have become all too comfortably numb. What happens if he wants her back? I already know the answer to that.

Maybe one day she’ll love me. Maybe one day she won’t want him; won’t want me to be him. Maybe one day she’ll think I’m truly beautiful and look at me the way I look at her every time I see her. But then again, maybe one day I’ll get over her. Maybe one day I can look at her and say, “You’re so not worth this” and actually believe it. Maybe one day I’ll be able to think about someone else.

4

It's a different type of love, and maybe we all need a break from the achey, sweet love that comes with romance, the kind that excludes the rest of the world, the kind that's limited only to you and him / her.

Friends never betray each other. We fight, sometimes. We disagree. We laugh at each other. But friends, friends are something else altogether. Friends are God's way of saying: here, I know it's tough trying to find your soulmate, but here are some other people you know for sure you can count on forever. They're like family, but better because they love you without the moral obligation attached.

My oldest friends (97% of them)  seem to be forgetting about me, I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with, I tend to disappear for long periods, scarcely logging in at social network's sites and instant messaging, I don't like talking on the phone and if someone really likes you it doesn't matter how long you've been absent or whatever you wanna call it, right?. Still, the ones I considered as the closest ones are showing me that I can be easily substituted, as a matter of fact, I have been already. It hurts but I just need to find my way to a new road, and forget about them. What(ever) doesn't kill you, can only makes you stronger.

3

It's not like I won't find someone new, you know.

We both know it's not exactly a question about lack of choice. It's only a matter of time before I stumble across that person who will somehow make my world magic again. Just by looking at me she'll put a hundred different feelings in my body and my head will go completely blank when she smiles. My heart will skip a beat from the slightest sound of my phone, and everything I do when she's not around will be colored by her absence.

I will meet someone who doesn't have that need of playing games and instead of following all kinds of rules, simply follows her heart. Someone who makes me wanna look past all the times I've been hurt and feel like it's actually worth risking everything again. Someone who makes me wanna fight my fears of opening up so I can let her in, because the thought of her not knowing me completely is far worse than my fear of rejection.

Shee will sigh at my stupid jokes and the way I tend to forget stuff and mess everything up, but deep down she'll love it because love's not about accepting each others flaws, it's about loving them because they make us who we are. I will find somebody for whom I am prepared to show not just the strong, independent side of me that the rest of the world know, but also the insecurities that make me wake up in the middle in the night crying because I'm sick of hurting.

She will not give me my confidence back or make me love myself again. I have no need for a fairytale princess who lifts me up on her castle and saves me. She will make me complete though, in a way no one has ever done before, and together we will get struck by love so hard that nothing will ever be the same again. You see, I know she's out there and I won't stop until I find her. Cause I deserve nothing less than to love someone who loves me back and this I know. So there's really no need for you to worry. She could be right around the corner when I walk out this door today.

The thing is,
With all my heart
I still wish she could have been you. 

2

after all this time, i usually get to think i got over you. i'm not saying that i won't get interested in other people because i will, i did. it's just never like the way it was with you. i don't hang out much and maybe that's the problem. i'm not an outgoing person, i'd rather stay in watching tv shows and reading books. they make me feel better for connecting to a story and forgetting about my own. guess what i'm trying to say is: - get away from my mind. i know that even if you tried it would be worthless since it's on me.

wake up. watch tv. study. read. listen to music. try not to think about you. think about you. watch tv. think about you. sleep.

i will watch all my dreams come true and none of them will be the one that i'm with you. it's 11:09 AM right now,  f.r.i.e.n.d.s is on and i should probably go watch it and not think about you 'til midday. then, i will go online and start the cycle all over again.

1

as often as we breathe, we fool ourselves. a random new person shows up and you go and make up a story that isn't real. you start living it because you can take the fact that you're alone.